The Coaching Mistake You Don’t Know You Are Making

Show Notes

Quite often, we ask our clients to reflect but we do not do it to ourselves. How often do we look at our coaching, what we are doing?

I mean looking at it in a neutral stance and looking at your skill set almost like a supervisor, and thinking about how it is that you can create those transformations for your clients because, at the end of the day, that is what we are all trying to do, is it not?

So we do ask our clients to do it. Sometimes stepping back and doing it ourselves can make a huge difference.

Jumping to Questions Too Quickly

One thing that really stuck out to me in talking to the coach, it actually stuck out to them too. Once we started having a discussion with how we sometimes jump to questions too quickly, we ask these powerful questions.

But as a coach, quite often we are trained to think about the confidence, think about the clarity, and get those action steps.

Get that accountability, and it is not your fault because that is what our frameworks teach us to do—to build rapport, to be curious, to get the buy-in, and to get that result at the end.

But it is amazing how much deeper you can go when you actually start to tap into the emotion, not just the stories that are on the top.

Interrupting the Breakthrough

So often when we just go along with our frameworks and we do not tap into that emotion, the clients get results and they go, “Yeah, that is great, but where do we go from here?”

Are they not tapping into that next level that could really make that breakthrough?

And it is really exciting when those breakthroughs come through. So ironically, that is quite often the moment where we interrupt them.

We stop.

We accidentally interrupt the flow.

So you might be hearing things and you might not be picking up on them. And that could be your breakthrough moment, recognizing those patterns that are coming through, things like:

“I never realized that before.”
“Oh, that scares me.”
“I do not think I am good enough.”
“I am proud of myself.”

These are all the telltale signs that a huge moment is about to happen.

You Don't Ask Them For More

Tell me more. You might think that sounds so simple, but that is when people go deeper. When you say, “Tell me more,” you can always follow that up with, “Why does this matter?”

It gives them the permission not to be rushed. A really important thing to do is ask one question and then wait. Yes, that pause. That awkward silence. Let them arrange their thoughts.

Let them work out what it is that they need to say. Do not rush them. Just let them sit. Yes, it can be awkward, but holding space and holding that silence is often when the breakthrough comes. It is really simple, but sometimes it is difficult to do.

So you just ask, “Tell me more.” No agenda. No preconceived ideas. You let them see where they go. The client will decide where they want to go next.

Sometimes less direction—well, most times less direction—is definitely the way to go.

You Don't Know How to Identify Stories to Patterns

We are taught to build rapport, and one of the ways that we build rapport is through stories, which is amazing. But if you have got a chatty client that wants to keep going off on stories, telling you all these different tangents, are you listening to the story, or are you listening to the patterns that those stories are bringing?

Are they bringing things like, “I cannot do it because my website is not finished. I cannot do it because I have not got everything perfect. I cannot do my launch because, because, because…” All those things that keep coming up.

Or is it procrastination where they are going off and they are listening to lots of different coaching podcasts, YouTube, etc., and they have gone, “Yeah, I was listening to this amazing thing and they said…” and off they went.

It could be very amazing, but is it relevant to the actual thing that you are coaching on today?

Is it a case of, “Okay, that is great. I really appreciate you telling me how Tony Robbins has helped you, or how Brendon Burchard, or any of the others has helped you.” But today, let us get back in focus.

Now, obviously you do it in a lot more subtle way than that, but it is about bringing that conversation back to the conversation that we are actually having and not getting in the pool with them and not getting into that story.

And if it is something really important, then maybe it is about changing the contract for that coaching session and saying, “We were speaking about this. Is this the most important thing for you today, or you have just been telling me about that story? Is that something we should be talking about?”

Quite often then the client will realize, “No, actually, it was about getting the website up,” or it was about my next launch, or whatever it is that you are talking about.

Or, if you are a weight loss coach, it was about how I went off my protocol and I have been telling you all these amazing mindset stories.

So be careful about the stories.

You Don't Have A Holding Space

I had a client recently, and they were telling me about how they had some problems with the AI collaboration that they had been doing. They were talking about how they could use their experience to think about new collaborations and what they were doing with that.

I had a few reasons about why things had gone wrong, had not gone right, and that was great.

I had a laundry list. At that time, there was one particular thing that really stuck out, and it was about communication. It was about that they thought they were on the same page, but they were not quite.

So after the laundry list, I actually went back and I said, “I noticed that you said about this particular thing, about the negative feedback that you had been given. Why was that important?”

If you are thinking about it in a neutral way, if you take the emotion out of it and you are just thinking about the context of what was said, without the blame, without the emotion, what would happen there?

Then I just paused. I was quiet. I thought for a minute first. I think they were a little bit angry because they were thinking about it with the emotion. Then they thought about it a bit deeper, and that was one of the breakthroughs that came in that session because often we try to rush over those emotions. We do not want to be uncomfortable as a coach or as a client.

So it is really important to obviously set up the container, have the space, and have that rapport so the client does feel it is okay to open up with things like that. Often I have had clients cry in front of me, and you might think that is a bad thing, but actually it is not because I know that I have set up a safe space for them and they feel that they are able to do that.

So pausing, holding space, is really, really important.

You Don't Listen for the Patterns

Stop listening to the stories and start listening for the patterns. Start listening to what is not being said, or what is being said over and over. Are you hearing particular words that keep coming up?

Is that somewhere you need to stop and think?Then you can say, “I have noticed you have been saying…”

Here are some common patterns to listen for:

For example, some of my clients say:

“I cannot do it until my website is finished.”
“My pricing just is not right.”
“I need to do another course or another qualification.”
“I do not think I have quite got enough.”

Often those people have a lot of qualifications. So you know by that story that it is not anything to do with their qualifications at all. It is to do with their confidence. Sometimes it is a case of getting out there and doing it anyway.

So what is it that is behind the story? What is that pattern that keeps going over and over?

Listen for words like:

“I always…”
“Every time…”
“Never…”
“It keeps happening to me.”
“It will not work.”
“I cannot do this.”
“I am not good at that.”

These are key phrases to let you know that there is something big about to happen if you pick up on it. Because it is not always about what people are saying. It is about what they are not saying.

Thinking about what it is that you can pick up on, what are those questions that you have maybe rushed over. This is not a criticism. It is definitely an area that we can all improve.

When we do, these breakthroughs really do come through. It is such a simple thing, but it really can make a huge difference.

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